The End of an Era

I let myself blindly walk along, hoping, even though I think I always knew you'd never love me. I think I let myself hope for so long because I didn't have the strength to let you go. I knew saying goodbye to you would crush me.
     Did it hurt to walk around every day and wonder if you would ever love me? Did it hurt to always have the hope that some day you would wake up and realize that you only wanted me? Yes, of course it did. But I did it for two reasons. 
     1. Everyone says that if you love something, you fight for it. And I 100% believe that you should fight for what you want and what you love. But the things is, sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes what you're fighting for isn't what you need. Sometimes what you're fighting for is dangerous, hazardous. You were dangerous to me. But I wanted to ignore all the warning signs...so badly... I just wanted to fight and to hope. But sometimes it's just not enough.
     2. I was scared. Since I met you, I knew there was no turning back. I knew there was nothing I wanted more than you. I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do to be with you. But all the while, I always knew to you I was nothing, to you I AM nothing, and to you I never will be anything. I was just too afraid to ask, too afraid to hear the answer I knew all along.
     But the thing is, as much as you want things to be one way, sometimes you can't change the fact that they're not. And at some point, you've got to realize that they won't change. At some point, you have to accept the way things ARE instead of letting yourself believe the lie of what they "could" be. 
     I told you everything not because I thought it would make a difference. I told you everything because you deserve to know the way you've changed my life completely. You deserve to know that you're the first person who showed me what love is, that it exists at all. You deserve to know all the reasons why I want to hate you so much, and all the reasons why I can't.
     And now you know. And now...I know. I finally know exactly where you stand. Though I always suspected it, though I always knew it in the back of my mind, I finally heard it come from your mouth.
     It's relieving, in a way, to finally know the answers to the questions I've been asking for 2 years now.
     This is the end of an era. This is the end of US... the us that never was and that never will be. The us that came in a flash of summer sunshine and disappeared as the leaves changed color. This is really it. It's over. 
      While I've found clarity in goodbye, I was right. It did break me. 
      It's one thing to suspect you never loved me. It's another to know you never did. 

Your First Love

     They say you'll always love your first love. They'll always mean something to you. They'll always be in your life. They'll always have a piece of your heart. They say you're always going to love them...but that doesn't mean you're always going to be in love with them. Someday you're going to fall out of love with them and fall into love with someone else. But you will always love your first love. 
      I think honestly it's not because of who they are or what they made you feel. I think it's solely because they made you believe in love. For the first time in your life, you knew what it meant to love someone and be loved in return, thanks to that person. 
     It's a blessing and a curse to always love your first love. It's a blessing because you were lucky enough to fall in love, even if in the end it didn't work out. They will always remind you of that. But it's a curse because for the rest of your life, you're going to wonder what it would have been like if it would have worked out. You're always going to wonder if it was your fault that it didn't. You're always going to wonder if you simply weren't enough. And you're always going to wonder if you ever will be. 
     Sometimes after our first love and our first broken heart, we wonder if we're ever going to be able to love again. We wonder how long it will take to break down the walls and allow ourselves to open up to somebody. We wonder if we're going to be hurt again. But the truth is, we don't know, we can't know, we'll never know. 
      That's how love is. It's mysterious and horrible and gut-wrenching. It breaks your heart and makes you feel like you have nothing without that person. But it can also be the most beautiful thing on this earth. It can make you feel like nothing ever happened. It can fix you. It can be everything for you. It can consume you. And while yes that's terrifying, it's also kind of beautiful. 
     I say you always be thankful for your first love having shown you that love does exist but you don't let the heartbreak tear you down. I say you always remember your first love but you learn to let it go.

Why I hate you

       I don't hate you because you didn't love. You didn't love because you couldn't. You didn't love because you didn't believe. Because you think it's easier not to feel. And hell yeah it is. When you open yourself up to feeling something, it could be the greatest thing in the world or it could be the worst. But don't you think we owe it to ourselves to find out which one it is? I think so. That's why every once in a while, I allow myself to feel something, because I have the hope that it will be the better of the two, though many times it ends up being the latter. You can't because you don't have the hope. You shut yourself off. I get it. I just wish I could have been enough to make the wall come crumbling down like you did with mine without even realizing.
     I hate you because you weren't truthful. I hate you because you didn't keep your promise. That's what makes me hate you. It's not because you didn't love me. You can't make someone love you when they don't, nor can you make yourself love someone when you don't. I get it. I'm okay with that...well basically I've just come to terms with it.
     I hate you because you promised me a lifetime of promises. I hate you because you promised me the happiness I always wanted, the happiness I came to only want if I could share it with you. I hate you because you promised me the hope I'd always held in my heart. You promised that it would all come true, that I would find it all, and that I would find it with you.
     I hate you because you lied. You told me those things to make me feel better. I hate you because you told me those things to get me off your back. You told me those things so I wouldn't break in front of you because you didn't want to pick up the pieces.
     I hate you because you let me believe you meant it. But you didn't. You never had any intention of keeping your promises. You never cared. You just wanted to be far enough away before you broke me so you wouldn't feel responsible for the damage, so you wouldn't be responsible for cleaning up the mess.
    Well congratulations, you got all you wanted. You have everything you need and now you're rid of me. I'm happy for you, honestly I am.
     But you could have just told me. You could have just let me down. I've been let down plenty of times, I could have taken it. By letting me fall for you and making me believe that you were falling for me too, you ruined me. That's so much worse than just telling me you don't want me. You could have just let me go.
     And that's why I hate you.
     But I still love you.
     And that's why I hate myself.

Maybe we'll never know

     I think losing someone you weren't ready to let go of causes the most pain. It can rip you to pieces after making you feel whole. It can break everything that was once unified. It can make you beg for mercy because the pain is too much to bear.    
     It's not losing them that hurts so bad, though. It's the fact that in the process, you lose a piece of yourself. When you love someone or something so much, you give them a piece of your heart, a moment of your time, a fraction of your life. They become a piece of you, and sometimes it's so strong that you don't even remember who you were without them, nor can you imagine yourself without them.
     Sometimes in our lives, we make decisions that benefit our well-being or the well-being of others, and we prepare ourselves to let go, just as warriors prepare for a battle. They know what's to come, WE know what's to come. They've accepted it, WE'VE accepted it. 
     However, sometimes the things we love are ripped from our very arms with no warning, with no preparation. And that's when it hurts the most. Whatever or whoever we loved is drug from our clinging arms, violently ripping a piece of ourselves away with it. And sometimes it only takes a small piece, but sometimes it takes so much that when the dust settles, all we can see in the mirror are the broken pieces held together by bloody strings and dull eyes. 
     Trying to put yourself back together after these losses feels downright impossible. Sometimes that's because it actually is impossible. Maybe it's because we don't want to put ourselves back together, or maybe it's because we don't know how. Maybe we'll never know. 

We are nothing

We are nothing.
We walk around
     like the world is ours.
We walk around
     like we can do as we please.
We walk around
     like we are the kings.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.
This world does not belong to us;
     we belong to the world.
We are here 
     because we have been granted this earth.
We are nothing.
But we think that we are everything.
We are born of natural ways;
     we will die of natural ways.
We are made from this earth;
     we will return to the same land we came from.
We are here because we are allowed to be,
     not because we should to be
          not because we deserve to be
               and definitely not because it is our right to be.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.

I never wanted to love you

I never wanted to love you,

But I did.

And then you broke me.

The eyes that used to sparkle

     with hope,

Are now dull and hazy

     with fear.

The smile that used to 

     light up the room,

Now curls down

     at the corners.

The heart that

     used to love,

Now lies

     in pieces.

I never wanted to love you.

I never wanted to hurt. 

Every time I think it's getting better,

     I see your face,

          I hear your laugh,

               I feel your presence,

     In a crowded room,

          When I'm alone,

               When I need you.

And then you're gone,

All over again.

The wounds that I always think

     are healing,

Rip open, a little deeper

     each time. 

I forget I had you.

Then I remember.

Then I remember that I lost you.

And every time it hurts

     a little more than the last.

They said it gets better,

But it doesn't.

Why did you do this to me?

     Why does it still hurt?

          Why won't it go away?

I never wanted to love you.

But I did.

The Chase

     I think that when it comes to love, I've got it backwards. All my life, I've given up the ones who clearly adored me, who were willing to do anything, be anything, for me. I always push them aside, feeling smothered by their constant affection, something others would grovel for. 

     Truth is, I'm afraid of having someone that truly cares about me and loves every tiny aspect of my being. I'm afraid because I don't want to screw it up. I know that eventually, I'll do something stupid and mess it up beyond repair. I know that one day, there will be something there that just could not possibly be fixed, no matter how hard I try. So, I push all of those people away. 

     I try to pretend they are not into me, even though it’s completely obvious that they are. Most people would be flattered by that kind of attention, and they wouldn't know how to say no. They would say yes just because for once in their life, somebody loved them with all that they had, and how could you ever say no to that? How could you ever turn that kind of love down? 

     But the one thing that I always seem to go for is the one who I know is out of my reach. The boy that doesn't even seem to notice me. The one that is so mysterious and so far away that I become obsessed with getting them. Almost always, I do. I find a way in the end to convince them to be with me because I’m that girl that is completely into them. I'm the girl that would give them constant attention. I'm the girl that would do anything for them. I'm the girl that spends all her time, for as long as she must, to get them to notice her. And then I turn myself into whatever I know they want the most. I become the girl that I know they could never say no to.

     And when I get them, I may be happy for a while, but not for long. Eventually, I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the way that things worked out. I find myself constantly doing things to make him mad, to ruin the relationship, because then it gives me something to work with. If everything is perfect, if we are perfect together, then I get bored. 

     I think I've been playing the game for so long that I've become utterly obsessed with the chase. I think that after all this time, I've realized that what I want is not really the end result. What I truly want is not for them to give in. What I want is for them to run. I want them to be a piece in my game. I want something to occupy my time, my mind, my heart. I want something that I can work with, something I can spend my time on. I want something that I know is going to be incredibly hard, something that I know is nearly impossible, something I know is a challenge. I only find myself wanting the chase. 

     And I’m scared that one day, the one man that I would change all of that for will turn away from me because he doesn't like to play games.