The End of an Era

I let myself blindly walk along, hoping, even though I think I always knew you'd never love me. I think I let myself hope for so long because I didn't have the strength to let you go. I knew saying goodbye to you would crush me.
     Did it hurt to walk around every day and wonder if you would ever love me? Did it hurt to always have the hope that some day you would wake up and realize that you only wanted me? Yes, of course it did. But I did it for two reasons. 
     1. Everyone says that if you love something, you fight for it. And I 100% believe that you should fight for what you want and what you love. But the things is, sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes what you're fighting for isn't what you need. Sometimes what you're fighting for is dangerous, hazardous. You were dangerous to me. But I wanted to ignore all the warning signs...so badly... I just wanted to fight and to hope. But sometimes it's just not enough.
     2. I was scared. Since I met you, I knew there was no turning back. I knew there was nothing I wanted more than you. I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do to be with you. But all the while, I always knew to you I was nothing, to you I AM nothing, and to you I never will be anything. I was just too afraid to ask, too afraid to hear the answer I knew all along.
     But the thing is, as much as you want things to be one way, sometimes you can't change the fact that they're not. And at some point, you've got to realize that they won't change. At some point, you have to accept the way things ARE instead of letting yourself believe the lie of what they "could" be. 
     I told you everything not because I thought it would make a difference. I told you everything because you deserve to know the way you've changed my life completely. You deserve to know that you're the first person who showed me what love is, that it exists at all. You deserve to know all the reasons why I want to hate you so much, and all the reasons why I can't.
     And now you know. And now...I know. I finally know exactly where you stand. Though I always suspected it, though I always knew it in the back of my mind, I finally heard it come from your mouth.
     It's relieving, in a way, to finally know the answers to the questions I've been asking for 2 years now.
     This is the end of an era. This is the end of US... the us that never was and that never will be. The us that came in a flash of summer sunshine and disappeared as the leaves changed color. This is really it. It's over. 
      While I've found clarity in goodbye, I was right. It did break me. 
      It's one thing to suspect you never loved me. It's another to know you never did. 

Your First Love

     They say you'll always love your first love. They'll always mean something to you. They'll always be in your life. They'll always have a piece of your heart. They say you're always going to love them...but that doesn't mean you're always going to be in love with them. Someday you're going to fall out of love with them and fall into love with someone else. But you will always love your first love. 
      I think honestly it's not because of who they are or what they made you feel. I think it's solely because they made you believe in love. For the first time in your life, you knew what it meant to love someone and be loved in return, thanks to that person. 
     It's a blessing and a curse to always love your first love. It's a blessing because you were lucky enough to fall in love, even if in the end it didn't work out. They will always remind you of that. But it's a curse because for the rest of your life, you're going to wonder what it would have been like if it would have worked out. You're always going to wonder if it was your fault that it didn't. You're always going to wonder if you simply weren't enough. And you're always going to wonder if you ever will be. 
     Sometimes after our first love and our first broken heart, we wonder if we're ever going to be able to love again. We wonder how long it will take to break down the walls and allow ourselves to open up to somebody. We wonder if we're going to be hurt again. But the truth is, we don't know, we can't know, we'll never know. 
      That's how love is. It's mysterious and horrible and gut-wrenching. It breaks your heart and makes you feel like you have nothing without that person. But it can also be the most beautiful thing on this earth. It can make you feel like nothing ever happened. It can fix you. It can be everything for you. It can consume you. And while yes that's terrifying, it's also kind of beautiful. 
     I say you always be thankful for your first love having shown you that love does exist but you don't let the heartbreak tear you down. I say you always remember your first love but you learn to let it go.