Maybe we'll never know

     I think losing someone you weren't ready to let go of causes the most pain. It can rip you to pieces after making you feel whole. It can break everything that was once unified. It can make you beg for mercy because the pain is too much to bear.    
     It's not losing them that hurts so bad, though. It's the fact that in the process, you lose a piece of yourself. When you love someone or something so much, you give them a piece of your heart, a moment of your time, a fraction of your life. They become a piece of you, and sometimes it's so strong that you don't even remember who you were without them, nor can you imagine yourself without them.
     Sometimes in our lives, we make decisions that benefit our well-being or the well-being of others, and we prepare ourselves to let go, just as warriors prepare for a battle. They know what's to come, WE know what's to come. They've accepted it, WE'VE accepted it. 
     However, sometimes the things we love are ripped from our very arms with no warning, with no preparation. And that's when it hurts the most. Whatever or whoever we loved is drug from our clinging arms, violently ripping a piece of ourselves away with it. And sometimes it only takes a small piece, but sometimes it takes so much that when the dust settles, all we can see in the mirror are the broken pieces held together by bloody strings and dull eyes. 
     Trying to put yourself back together after these losses feels downright impossible. Sometimes that's because it actually is impossible. Maybe it's because we don't want to put ourselves back together, or maybe it's because we don't know how. Maybe we'll never know. 

We are nothing

We are nothing.
We walk around
     like the world is ours.
We walk around
     like we can do as we please.
We walk around
     like we are the kings.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.
This world does not belong to us;
     we belong to the world.
We are here 
     because we have been granted this earth.
We are nothing.
But we think that we are everything.
We are born of natural ways;
     we will die of natural ways.
We are made from this earth;
     we will return to the same land we came from.
We are here because we are allowed to be,
     not because we should to be
          not because we deserve to be
               and definitely not because it is our right to be.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.

I never wanted to love you

I never wanted to love you,

But I did.

And then you broke me.

The eyes that used to sparkle

     with hope,

Are now dull and hazy

     with fear.

The smile that used to 

     light up the room,

Now curls down

     at the corners.

The heart that

     used to love,

Now lies

     in pieces.

I never wanted to love you.

I never wanted to hurt. 

Every time I think it's getting better,

     I see your face,

          I hear your laugh,

               I feel your presence,

     In a crowded room,

          When I'm alone,

               When I need you.

And then you're gone,

All over again.

The wounds that I always think

     are healing,

Rip open, a little deeper

     each time. 

I forget I had you.

Then I remember.

Then I remember that I lost you.

And every time it hurts

     a little more than the last.

They said it gets better,

But it doesn't.

Why did you do this to me?

     Why does it still hurt?

          Why won't it go away?

I never wanted to love you.

But I did.

The Chase

     I think that when it comes to love, I've got it backwards. All my life, I've given up the ones who clearly adored me, who were willing to do anything, be anything, for me. I always push them aside, feeling smothered by their constant affection, something others would grovel for. 

     Truth is, I'm afraid of having someone that truly cares about me and loves every tiny aspect of my being. I'm afraid because I don't want to screw it up. I know that eventually, I'll do something stupid and mess it up beyond repair. I know that one day, there will be something there that just could not possibly be fixed, no matter how hard I try. So, I push all of those people away. 

     I try to pretend they are not into me, even though it’s completely obvious that they are. Most people would be flattered by that kind of attention, and they wouldn't know how to say no. They would say yes just because for once in their life, somebody loved them with all that they had, and how could you ever say no to that? How could you ever turn that kind of love down? 

     But the one thing that I always seem to go for is the one who I know is out of my reach. The boy that doesn't even seem to notice me. The one that is so mysterious and so far away that I become obsessed with getting them. Almost always, I do. I find a way in the end to convince them to be with me because I’m that girl that is completely into them. I'm the girl that would give them constant attention. I'm the girl that would do anything for them. I'm the girl that spends all her time, for as long as she must, to get them to notice her. And then I turn myself into whatever I know they want the most. I become the girl that I know they could never say no to.

     And when I get them, I may be happy for a while, but not for long. Eventually, I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the way that things worked out. I find myself constantly doing things to make him mad, to ruin the relationship, because then it gives me something to work with. If everything is perfect, if we are perfect together, then I get bored. 

     I think I've been playing the game for so long that I've become utterly obsessed with the chase. I think that after all this time, I've realized that what I want is not really the end result. What I truly want is not for them to give in. What I want is for them to run. I want them to be a piece in my game. I want something to occupy my time, my mind, my heart. I want something that I can work with, something I can spend my time on. I want something that I know is going to be incredibly hard, something that I know is nearly impossible, something I know is a challenge. I only find myself wanting the chase. 

     And I’m scared that one day, the one man that I would change all of that for will turn away from me because he doesn't like to play games.