Why I hate you

       I don't hate you because you didn't love. You didn't love because you couldn't. You didn't love because you didn't believe. Because you think it's easier not to feel. And hell yeah it is. When you open yourself up to feeling something, it could be the greatest thing in the world or it could be the worst. But don't you think we owe it to ourselves to find out which one it is? I think so. That's why every once in a while, I allow myself to feel something, because I have the hope that it will be the better of the two, though many times it ends up being the latter. You can't because you don't have the hope. You shut yourself off. I get it. I just wish I could have been enough to make the wall come crumbling down like you did with mine without even realizing.
     I hate you because you weren't truthful. I hate you because you didn't keep your promise. That's what makes me hate you. It's not because you didn't love me. You can't make someone love you when they don't, nor can you make yourself love someone when you don't. I get it. I'm okay with that...well basically I've just come to terms with it.
     I hate you because you promised me a lifetime of promises. I hate you because you promised me the happiness I always wanted, the happiness I came to only want if I could share it with you. I hate you because you promised me the hope I'd always held in my heart. You promised that it would all come true, that I would find it all, and that I would find it with you.
     I hate you because you lied. You told me those things to make me feel better. I hate you because you told me those things to get me off your back. You told me those things so I wouldn't break in front of you because you didn't want to pick up the pieces.
     I hate you because you let me believe you meant it. But you didn't. You never had any intention of keeping your promises. You never cared. You just wanted to be far enough away before you broke me so you wouldn't feel responsible for the damage, so you wouldn't be responsible for cleaning up the mess.
    Well congratulations, you got all you wanted. You have everything you need and now you're rid of me. I'm happy for you, honestly I am.
     But you could have just told me. You could have just let me down. I've been let down plenty of times, I could have taken it. By letting me fall for you and making me believe that you were falling for me too, you ruined me. That's so much worse than just telling me you don't want me. You could have just let me go.
     And that's why I hate you.
     But I still love you.
     And that's why I hate myself.

Maybe we'll never know

     I think losing someone you weren't ready to let go of causes the most pain. It can rip you to pieces after making you feel whole. It can break everything that was once unified. It can make you beg for mercy because the pain is too much to bear.    
     It's not losing them that hurts so bad, though. It's the fact that in the process, you lose a piece of yourself. When you love someone or something so much, you give them a piece of your heart, a moment of your time, a fraction of your life. They become a piece of you, and sometimes it's so strong that you don't even remember who you were without them, nor can you imagine yourself without them.
     Sometimes in our lives, we make decisions that benefit our well-being or the well-being of others, and we prepare ourselves to let go, just as warriors prepare for a battle. They know what's to come, WE know what's to come. They've accepted it, WE'VE accepted it. 
     However, sometimes the things we love are ripped from our very arms with no warning, with no preparation. And that's when it hurts the most. Whatever or whoever we loved is drug from our clinging arms, violently ripping a piece of ourselves away with it. And sometimes it only takes a small piece, but sometimes it takes so much that when the dust settles, all we can see in the mirror are the broken pieces held together by bloody strings and dull eyes. 
     Trying to put yourself back together after these losses feels downright impossible. Sometimes that's because it actually is impossible. Maybe it's because we don't want to put ourselves back together, or maybe it's because we don't know how. Maybe we'll never know. 

We are nothing

We are nothing.
We walk around
     like the world is ours.
We walk around
     like we can do as we please.
We walk around
     like we are the kings.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.
This world does not belong to us;
     we belong to the world.
We are here 
     because we have been granted this earth.
We are nothing.
But we think that we are everything.
We are born of natural ways;
     we will die of natural ways.
We are made from this earth;
     we will return to the same land we came from.
We are here because we are allowed to be,
     not because we should to be
          not because we deserve to be
               and definitely not because it is our right to be.
We are nothing.
Yet we think that we are everything.

I never wanted to love you

I never wanted to love you,

But I did.

And then you broke me.

The eyes that used to sparkle

     with hope,

Are now dull and hazy

     with fear.

The smile that used to 

     light up the room,

Now curls down

     at the corners.

The heart that

     used to love,

Now lies

     in pieces.

I never wanted to love you.

I never wanted to hurt. 

Every time I think it's getting better,

     I see your face,

          I hear your laugh,

               I feel your presence,

     In a crowded room,

          When I'm alone,

               When I need you.

And then you're gone,

All over again.

The wounds that I always think

     are healing,

Rip open, a little deeper

     each time. 

I forget I had you.

Then I remember.

Then I remember that I lost you.

And every time it hurts

     a little more than the last.

They said it gets better,

But it doesn't.

Why did you do this to me?

     Why does it still hurt?

          Why won't it go away?

I never wanted to love you.

But I did.

The Chase

     I think that when it comes to love, I've got it backwards. All my life, I've given up the ones who clearly adored me, who were willing to do anything, be anything, for me. I always push them aside, feeling smothered by their constant affection, something others would grovel for. 

     Truth is, I'm afraid of having someone that truly cares about me and loves every tiny aspect of my being. I'm afraid because I don't want to screw it up. I know that eventually, I'll do something stupid and mess it up beyond repair. I know that one day, there will be something there that just could not possibly be fixed, no matter how hard I try. So, I push all of those people away. 

     I try to pretend they are not into me, even though it’s completely obvious that they are. Most people would be flattered by that kind of attention, and they wouldn't know how to say no. They would say yes just because for once in their life, somebody loved them with all that they had, and how could you ever say no to that? How could you ever turn that kind of love down? 

     But the one thing that I always seem to go for is the one who I know is out of my reach. The boy that doesn't even seem to notice me. The one that is so mysterious and so far away that I become obsessed with getting them. Almost always, I do. I find a way in the end to convince them to be with me because I’m that girl that is completely into them. I'm the girl that would give them constant attention. I'm the girl that would do anything for them. I'm the girl that spends all her time, for as long as she must, to get them to notice her. And then I turn myself into whatever I know they want the most. I become the girl that I know they could never say no to.

     And when I get them, I may be happy for a while, but not for long. Eventually, I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the way that things worked out. I find myself constantly doing things to make him mad, to ruin the relationship, because then it gives me something to work with. If everything is perfect, if we are perfect together, then I get bored. 

     I think I've been playing the game for so long that I've become utterly obsessed with the chase. I think that after all this time, I've realized that what I want is not really the end result. What I truly want is not for them to give in. What I want is for them to run. I want them to be a piece in my game. I want something to occupy my time, my mind, my heart. I want something that I can work with, something I can spend my time on. I want something that I know is going to be incredibly hard, something that I know is nearly impossible, something I know is a challenge. I only find myself wanting the chase. 

     And I’m scared that one day, the one man that I would change all of that for will turn away from me because he doesn't like to play games.

Small Moments

     Some people think that life is about the huge moments. Some people think that the most important times in our life are the ones that change us in such a way that we could never be the same again. Some people think we’re defined by these moments. A car crash, a college acceptance letter, a death in the family, a marriage; they seem to think that these are the moments that make us who we are. Life is not just large, memorable moments. Life is made up of millions of small moments; some life-changing, and some so inconsequential that we never remember them. Its the choices we make on a daily basis that set us down a path of destruction or a path of righteousness. Life is a long line of tiny moments strung together. 

You asked me if it was getting better

     You asked me if it was getting better. No matter how much I wished I could say yes, I still had to say no. The pain doesn't go away, and I don’t know how long it will take for the agony to ease up, even just a little. 

     I wish it was easier to let go of him. I wish he didn't mean so much to me. And I definitely wish I didn't care about him infinitely more than he cares about me. I wish I could walk away and never look back, but I just can't. I would come apart at the seams. I would fall to pieces from within, and the light in my eyes would always be slightly dimmer knowing that I had lost him forever. He will always be my first love, the first man that really changed me, that made me a different, better person with just the blink of an eye. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and I ached at the thought that I would have to tell you the real answer: that it doesn't get better; that every day, I feel the absence of him everywhere I go, with everything I do. 

     But one thing that I can tell you, one thing that I know would mean something to the both of us, is that you do make it better. When I’m with you, it’s like the pain is almost gone, and the wound is almost healed. The fatal battle wound that always tore at me from within seems less important, less painful, and less severe. Somehow, the joy of having you around and the laughter we share when we are together make me feel almost whole again. Even when you leave, I have the memories to keep me going. It almost overrides every inch of my body, making me forget about everything else…..almost. 

     But even you can’t make the nightmares go away. Even you can’t completely fill the hole. Not right now...no one can. For now, the ache will continue to reside in the back of my mind, rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, and ruining everything I wish so badly to have. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and in a last ditch effort to save what I thought I might be throwing away by still loving someone else, I said that I hope someday you can make it all go away. I hope you can help me erase the pain I never wanted to feel, heal the wounds I never wanted to have. I just want the pain to go away, for even just a moment. I just want to be at rest for a while. I just want to be free. 

Our Own Little Heaven

    The trees rustled and her hair wisped around her face in the breeze. My body broke out in chills, because I knew nothing would ever be so perfect. She must be an angel, I thought. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. 

    “Kid” played in the background as we swayed to the melody. The song was beautiful but nothing would ever compare to her wonder, her perfection. She jumped into my arms and I turned and turned. We were suspended in time, lost in our very own sense of euphoria. 

     Her fingers made their way up my neck, tightening in my hair. Her other hand traced my jaw line, curled around my ear, caressed my bottom lip. My skin erupted. I felt the blood rushing through my veins, my heart beating fast. I was afraid she would be able to tell how nervous I was, but I couldn't let go of her. She was just too amazing. I looked into her topaz eyes, glowing in the dim lighting. I set her down and continued to dance around the yard with her under the moonlight. It illuminated her skin, making her almost translucent. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

     I let my hand slide down her back. She laid her head on my chest. I could think of nothing but her extraordinary loveliness. With my left hand still on her lower back, I placed my right on her soft cheek. She stopped moving and looked into my eyes. She locked her fingers in my hair again, and I allowed my fingers to wander through her gorgeous golden locks. She moved closer and I could smell her perfume, which was equally sweet and savory. It was just the right balance and just the right amount. I moved my head down and our lips intertwined. Time seemed to slip away and nothing else in the world mattered anymore. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. My whole body was on fire from within, tingling and swirling under her kiss. 

     Surely this was love, what all the fairy tales speak of. I couldn't imagine anything getting any better than this. After what seemed like a lifetime of wonder, she pulled away. She looked into my eyes and caressed my cheek again. “I'm in love with you,” she whispered. At that moment, everything fell into place. Anything that I had ever questioned, anything I’d ever been afraid of, any anger or resentment I’d ever felt, suddenly disappeared. It all fell away at the admittance of the three words I already felt. I hadn't said it not because I didn't want to or because I was too afraid to, but rather because I didn't want her to feel obligated to say them back. I wanted her to love me on her own, to speak it on her own. I respected her too much to force her into anything, willingly or not. 

     And there we were, on the lawn under the stars, and all the planets aligned. I knew then that nothing would ever be that bad again, because I had her, and because she loved me. 

     I gently moved a strand of her blonde curls away from her face, planted it behind her ear, and whispered, “I can't imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love you in this moment.” 

     She reached up and pulled my lips back down to hers. Nothing would ever be more perfect than it was in that instant. We slipped into our own little heaven and spent the night there. And in that moment, it felt like forever.

Fear Itself

As children, we are taught to

never fear the monsters.

They are not real,

    they will not get us.

There is nothing hiding in your closet

    under your bed

        in the basement

            outside.

There is nothing.

It is all in our head,

    and there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

As we grow older,

We realize that the monsters

are not in our closet.

    They are not under our bed.

        They are not in the basement.

            They are not outside.

The true monsters lie within us;

beneath the masks we hide behind so effortlessly.

Beneath our skin,

    whatever color it may be,

        hides the scariest monster of all

            and there’s no way to hide from it.

So really, our parents were wrong all along.

    We have so much more to fear than fear itself.

Introduction

     Hi, my name is Bri Mahrer. I'm from Pennsylvania, USA, but I'm currently living in Bilbao, Spain as an exchange student. I have a blog all about my experience here, which just started about a month and a half ago. If you'd like to check that out, click here. However, I decided to make this blog to post poems, short stories, or any other random things that I write, because I'm constantly writing. Everything that I write is first written with a pen and paper, as it should be, but I eventually copy everything over to my computer for safe keeping. Warning...everything I write always has an incredible amount of deep thought, feeling, and passion. Sometimes I get swept up in it, I guess. So I guess that's it. I hope you like it. Be sure to check out both blogs if you can. Thanks so much!