The Chase

     I think that when it comes to love, I've got it backwards. All my life, I've given up the ones who clearly adored me, who were willing to do anything, be anything, for me. I always push them aside, feeling smothered by their constant affection, something others would grovel for. 

     Truth is, I'm afraid of having someone that truly cares about me and loves every tiny aspect of my being. I'm afraid because I don't want to screw it up. I know that eventually, I'll do something stupid and mess it up beyond repair. I know that one day, there will be something there that just could not possibly be fixed, no matter how hard I try. So, I push all of those people away. 

     I try to pretend they are not into me, even though it’s completely obvious that they are. Most people would be flattered by that kind of attention, and they wouldn't know how to say no. They would say yes just because for once in their life, somebody loved them with all that they had, and how could you ever say no to that? How could you ever turn that kind of love down? 

     But the one thing that I always seem to go for is the one who I know is out of my reach. The boy that doesn't even seem to notice me. The one that is so mysterious and so far away that I become obsessed with getting them. Almost always, I do. I find a way in the end to convince them to be with me because I’m that girl that is completely into them. I'm the girl that would give them constant attention. I'm the girl that would do anything for them. I'm the girl that spends all her time, for as long as she must, to get them to notice her. And then I turn myself into whatever I know they want the most. I become the girl that I know they could never say no to.

     And when I get them, I may be happy for a while, but not for long. Eventually, I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the way that things worked out. I find myself constantly doing things to make him mad, to ruin the relationship, because then it gives me something to work with. If everything is perfect, if we are perfect together, then I get bored. 

     I think I've been playing the game for so long that I've become utterly obsessed with the chase. I think that after all this time, I've realized that what I want is not really the end result. What I truly want is not for them to give in. What I want is for them to run. I want them to be a piece in my game. I want something to occupy my time, my mind, my heart. I want something that I can work with, something I can spend my time on. I want something that I know is going to be incredibly hard, something that I know is nearly impossible, something I know is a challenge. I only find myself wanting the chase. 

     And I’m scared that one day, the one man that I would change all of that for will turn away from me because he doesn't like to play games.