You asked me if it was getting better

     You asked me if it was getting better. No matter how much I wished I could say yes, I still had to say no. The pain doesn't go away, and I don’t know how long it will take for the agony to ease up, even just a little. 

     I wish it was easier to let go of him. I wish he didn't mean so much to me. And I definitely wish I didn't care about him infinitely more than he cares about me. I wish I could walk away and never look back, but I just can't. I would come apart at the seams. I would fall to pieces from within, and the light in my eyes would always be slightly dimmer knowing that I had lost him forever. He will always be my first love, the first man that really changed me, that made me a different, better person with just the blink of an eye. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and I ached at the thought that I would have to tell you the real answer: that it doesn't get better; that every day, I feel the absence of him everywhere I go, with everything I do. 

     But one thing that I can tell you, one thing that I know would mean something to the both of us, is that you do make it better. When I’m with you, it’s like the pain is almost gone, and the wound is almost healed. The fatal battle wound that always tore at me from within seems less important, less painful, and less severe. Somehow, the joy of having you around and the laughter we share when we are together make me feel almost whole again. Even when you leave, I have the memories to keep me going. It almost overrides every inch of my body, making me forget about everything else…..almost. 

     But even you can’t make the nightmares go away. Even you can’t completely fill the hole. Not right now...no one can. For now, the ache will continue to reside in the back of my mind, rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, and ruining everything I wish so badly to have. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and in a last ditch effort to save what I thought I might be throwing away by still loving someone else, I said that I hope someday you can make it all go away. I hope you can help me erase the pain I never wanted to feel, heal the wounds I never wanted to have. I just want the pain to go away, for even just a moment. I just want to be at rest for a while. I just want to be free.