Small Moments

     Some people think that life is about the huge moments. Some people think that the most important times in our life are the ones that change us in such a way that we could never be the same again. Some people think we’re defined by these moments. A car crash, a college acceptance letter, a death in the family, a marriage; they seem to think that these are the moments that make us who we are. Life is not just large, memorable moments. Life is made up of millions of small moments; some life-changing, and some so inconsequential that we never remember them. Its the choices we make on a daily basis that set us down a path of destruction or a path of righteousness. Life is a long line of tiny moments strung together. 

You asked me if it was getting better

     You asked me if it was getting better. No matter how much I wished I could say yes, I still had to say no. The pain doesn't go away, and I don’t know how long it will take for the agony to ease up, even just a little. 

     I wish it was easier to let go of him. I wish he didn't mean so much to me. And I definitely wish I didn't care about him infinitely more than he cares about me. I wish I could walk away and never look back, but I just can't. I would come apart at the seams. I would fall to pieces from within, and the light in my eyes would always be slightly dimmer knowing that I had lost him forever. He will always be my first love, the first man that really changed me, that made me a different, better person with just the blink of an eye. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and I ached at the thought that I would have to tell you the real answer: that it doesn't get better; that every day, I feel the absence of him everywhere I go, with everything I do. 

     But one thing that I can tell you, one thing that I know would mean something to the both of us, is that you do make it better. When I’m with you, it’s like the pain is almost gone, and the wound is almost healed. The fatal battle wound that always tore at me from within seems less important, less painful, and less severe. Somehow, the joy of having you around and the laughter we share when we are together make me feel almost whole again. Even when you leave, I have the memories to keep me going. It almost overrides every inch of my body, making me forget about everything else…..almost. 

     But even you can’t make the nightmares go away. Even you can’t completely fill the hole. Not right now...no one can. For now, the ache will continue to reside in the back of my mind, rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, and ruining everything I wish so badly to have. 

     You asked me if it was getting better, and in a last ditch effort to save what I thought I might be throwing away by still loving someone else, I said that I hope someday you can make it all go away. I hope you can help me erase the pain I never wanted to feel, heal the wounds I never wanted to have. I just want the pain to go away, for even just a moment. I just want to be at rest for a while. I just want to be free. 

Our Own Little Heaven

    The trees rustled and her hair wisped around her face in the breeze. My body broke out in chills, because I knew nothing would ever be so perfect. She must be an angel, I thought. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. 

    “Kid” played in the background as we swayed to the melody. The song was beautiful but nothing would ever compare to her wonder, her perfection. She jumped into my arms and I turned and turned. We were suspended in time, lost in our very own sense of euphoria. 

     Her fingers made their way up my neck, tightening in my hair. Her other hand traced my jaw line, curled around my ear, caressed my bottom lip. My skin erupted. I felt the blood rushing through my veins, my heart beating fast. I was afraid she would be able to tell how nervous I was, but I couldn't let go of her. She was just too amazing. I looked into her topaz eyes, glowing in the dim lighting. I set her down and continued to dance around the yard with her under the moonlight. It illuminated her skin, making her almost translucent. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

     I let my hand slide down her back. She laid her head on my chest. I could think of nothing but her extraordinary loveliness. With my left hand still on her lower back, I placed my right on her soft cheek. She stopped moving and looked into my eyes. She locked her fingers in my hair again, and I allowed my fingers to wander through her gorgeous golden locks. She moved closer and I could smell her perfume, which was equally sweet and savory. It was just the right balance and just the right amount. I moved my head down and our lips intertwined. Time seemed to slip away and nothing else in the world mattered anymore. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. My whole body was on fire from within, tingling and swirling under her kiss. 

     Surely this was love, what all the fairy tales speak of. I couldn't imagine anything getting any better than this. After what seemed like a lifetime of wonder, she pulled away. She looked into my eyes and caressed my cheek again. “I'm in love with you,” she whispered. At that moment, everything fell into place. Anything that I had ever questioned, anything I’d ever been afraid of, any anger or resentment I’d ever felt, suddenly disappeared. It all fell away at the admittance of the three words I already felt. I hadn't said it not because I didn't want to or because I was too afraid to, but rather because I didn't want her to feel obligated to say them back. I wanted her to love me on her own, to speak it on her own. I respected her too much to force her into anything, willingly or not. 

     And there we were, on the lawn under the stars, and all the planets aligned. I knew then that nothing would ever be that bad again, because I had her, and because she loved me. 

     I gently moved a strand of her blonde curls away from her face, planted it behind her ear, and whispered, “I can't imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love you in this moment.” 

     She reached up and pulled my lips back down to hers. Nothing would ever be more perfect than it was in that instant. We slipped into our own little heaven and spent the night there. And in that moment, it felt like forever.

Fear Itself

As children, we are taught to

never fear the monsters.

They are not real,

    they will not get us.

There is nothing hiding in your closet

    under your bed

        in the basement

            outside.

There is nothing.

It is all in our head,

    and there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

As we grow older,

We realize that the monsters

are not in our closet.

    They are not under our bed.

        They are not in the basement.

            They are not outside.

The true monsters lie within us;

beneath the masks we hide behind so effortlessly.

Beneath our skin,

    whatever color it may be,

        hides the scariest monster of all

            and there’s no way to hide from it.

So really, our parents were wrong all along.

    We have so much more to fear than fear itself.

Introduction

     Hi, my name is Bri Mahrer. I'm from Pennsylvania, USA, but I'm currently living in Bilbao, Spain as an exchange student. I have a blog all about my experience here, which just started about a month and a half ago. If you'd like to check that out, click here. However, I decided to make this blog to post poems, short stories, or any other random things that I write, because I'm constantly writing. Everything that I write is first written with a pen and paper, as it should be, but I eventually copy everything over to my computer for safe keeping. Warning...everything I write always has an incredible amount of deep thought, feeling, and passion. Sometimes I get swept up in it, I guess. So I guess that's it. I hope you like it. Be sure to check out both blogs if you can. Thanks so much!